I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
