atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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