my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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