I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
