It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
