She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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