If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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