While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
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