There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
