omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
