I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
