i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
