Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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