just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Randomize
