I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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