I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
