You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
