Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I wanna passion pit in your ass
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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