Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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