Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
