I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
