She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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