maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
