I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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