Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
