Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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