You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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