There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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