I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
