Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
