i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
