You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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