I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
