Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
