i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
