On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
