the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
