I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
