I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
