bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
