Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize