she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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