I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Drunk walkin through police station. America
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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