we're chasing vodka with high fives
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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