Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
