I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
