Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize