u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
