I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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