listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
