After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
