he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
