highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
