You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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