new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Randomize
