My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
