Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
