I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
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