Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
