So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
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