I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize