I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
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