Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
