I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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